Heaviness of the Heart and Mind

This has been a hard month for me. Have you ever found yourself in a place where you are just mentally exhausted? A place you are so tired you say, “God take this from me, or take me.” I was there this past week and if I am honest, I am still there. These auto immune conditions make me feel trapped sometimes. It is hard to do everything you want to do when you’re stuck in a body that is misfiring and through several bouts of trauma has wired itself to respond differently. I mean, when you break it down, that’s really all an auto immune response is. It is a misfiring from faulty rewiring. Here is an example to explain what I mean. All the lights in your house are working exactly how they are designed to, but after an earthquake, the wires got loose and now the lights flicker off and on sometimes. Then through another earthquake, the foundation that was once solid starts cracking. So, through two earthquakes (bouts of trauma) your lights and floors are out of balance. This is essentially the same process your body goes through when introduced to trauma and if you don’t fix it (heal from it), the problems always spread. Foundation issues can cause A LOT of problems for a homeowner that are not just related to the floor and finding the origin of the issues is not always easy. You can SEE what the affect is, but not the cause (i.e flickering lights, but what wire is actually affected?) The majority of my life I allowed things to go on that I thought were normal. I thought the way I was treated was normal, I thought the stress I was under was normal, I thought the pain I felt was normal. I have spent the last four years healing from the past and letting Jesus show me what is supposed to be normal, and I know I have made a lot of progress. Every few weeks another trauma is brought to the and it is incredibly painful to process it! There is so much guilt and shame attached to my past and feeling all that hurt again is sometimes overwhelming. When people see me now they don’t see a drug addict, a sick single mom with three out of control kids, or a victim (for lack of a better word) of domestic violence, and they aren’t afraid of me. I will be honest again, I was ruthless and I would destroy someone’s entire life with my words. I mean I would cut someone down to nothing in a matter of seconds and it came out so easily! But none of that is who I am anymore. I claim healing over my body and my mind every day. When I get depressed or feel defeated I think of how far I have come mentally and how physical healing starts in the mind. I haven’t had much progress physically because my brain is still not where it needs to be, BUT I am well on my way. I say this to tell you that Jesus understands our frustration, hurt and depression. He understands that life can get really heavy sometimes and that it’s hard to bear. He understands that we are currently housed in a body that is temporary and because of that we often have limitations that make us tired, exhausted, and anxious. It is ok to be sad. It is ok to feel off and aggravated. I think a big mistake people make when someone is down is to try and give them positive reinforcement. They say, “Cheer up! God’s got this!” Or they throw scripture out there about the joy of the Lord and casting your cares upon Him. I know these people mean well, but throwing those things out there, demeans or invalidates what the person is going through. When Elijah was depressed, God didn’t rebuke him or throw positive reinforcement at him, He told him to go get something to eat and take a nap. God understands the importance of self care. Burying those feelings because people tell you you shouldn’t feel that way created emotional blocks in our bodies. We have to feel what we feel! We have to let it out! We have to cry out in anguish like David did so we can be free to praise Him right after. You’ll notice that the psalms went back and forth a lot between deep pain and great joy. David was a warrior and I can’t say this for sure but he may very well have dealt with PTSD similar to what our soldiers deal with now. It would make sense seeing how Psalm was written. However David also knew that he had to be honest about his pain and talk to God about it. He didn’t brush it off and “suck it up.” King Solomon was depressed. Look at Ecclesiastes for example. Ecclesiastes 1:2 “Everything is meaningless!” other translations say, “All is vanity!” (he writes this including wisdom and he was the wisest man in history) Now we know from the previous writings of king Solomon that he did not really believe that, but during that season of his life he still felt that way. Previously he had written, “Do not forsake wisdom, love her and she will watch over you. Wisdom is supreme, therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.” Then in the next book he says its all vanity or meaningless. It’s by design that God allowed us to see multiple sides to these people in the Bible. He wants us to know that it is normal. We just can’t use this as an excuse to stay there though. We feel what we need to feel, process it for as long as it takes, then we pick ourselves up, and keep going. So if you’re in a dark place right now and the weight of the world is on your shoulders, I understand and you’re going to be ok. Tell God exactly how you feel. He understands too. ❤

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